Being the Understudy

So I am currently trying to write a post about how much my irregular sleep pattern is frustrating me at the moment but I can’t. I’m too distracted by this one thought. So I’m just going to vent this thought that is plaguing my mind.

One of my closest friends is currently drunk texting me about a dilemma she is having over two guys. Long story short she’s at the pub and has two guys both wanting to take her home and can’t decide which one she likes more. I know what you’re thinking, Why not have both? Okay, maybe not everyone’s thinking that. That might just be me. Most people (I assume, or once again this could just be me) would be thinking kind of sounds like the opposite of a problem. I can’t even get one person to like me. I can’t even get one person to like me.

It should also be mentioned that I’ve already slept with one of them. A fact that she is very much aware of. She also knows that he is the only guy I’d ever consider having a relationship with. I’d never follow through on it, but I would consider it.

But all of that’s fine. That’s not what I’m distressed about. I just have this gross feeling about always being everybody’s second choice. I know I’m just having a low self-esteem moment but I can’t get the thought out of my head. I’m going through all the people I’ve been with in the past and how I was never their first choice, I was the fall back. I was the girl everyone got hung out with while they waited for someone better to come along with. I was the girl people would fuck while their partners were away. The girl you’d deny fucking more than once, if anyone ever asked. Not because there was anything wrong with me but because I just wasn’t someone you’d ever consider dating.

I guess I kind of deserve these feelings now. It’s my karma coming back to me. I did break up a lot of couples. So I do deserve some form of punishment. I did this to myself. I was in control of my own actions, I have no excuse for what I used to do. It was my own choice and I have to accept the repercussions. Though, I wasn’t the one who ever cheated on someone I was dating. I was just the mistress so surely I can’t be the only one getting punished.

It gets hard sometimes being alone. Especially when you know others aren’t. I struggle when people choose their partners over me because I just feel replaced and kind of used. One of my close friends invites me over almost every night that her boyfriend isn’t there. That makes me feel like she’s just using me as a stand in for the one she truly wants to be spending time with. Or maybe it’s just my anxiety making me doubt her motives?

I’m just worried that I’m never going to be anyone’s first choice. Which honestly, I’d kind of be okay with. I don’t really want to be with anyone. I’m very content on my own. I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Which is such a single-person thing to say and I’m a little embarrassed that I said it. But it’s true. At times I am okay with being someone’s second choice. I provide a service for them, an outlet they need. I don’t pride myself on having good morals but as long as I can make someone feel a little better for even just a moment, well then I think that makes me an okay person. It definitely doesn’t make me a bad person.

Most people must feel like this at some point, right? I know I’m just having a bad day and that tomorrow I could have all the confidence in the world. My anxiety is making me doubt my friendships and I’m just a little down on myself. I know my worth and that there is a possibility that one day I may just be someone’s first choice. It just seems like a slim chance at the moment.

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Introducing Myself Without Over or Under Selling My Personality

I guess I’ll introduce myself a littler first? I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t start a paragraph with a question, but this is not a literacy or grammar blog. I don’t expect it to go down in history as one of the most creative pieces of writing this side of the 1900’s. I just wanted a place to physically put down my thoughts and reflect.

I’ve recently found myself in a weird limbo phase of my life. I’d say it’s a quarter life crisis but that sounds too cliché. I turned twenty one three months ago and so far I don’t think I’m handling it well, as I expected. I’d been dreading my birthday all summer leading up to it. Twenty one just seemed so old, so adult. I kind of feel like I’m still a teenager, thirty now seems a lot closer than thirteen. I don’t fear ageing or death. I’m still a long way off that. I just don’t think I’m ready to be twenty one. I don’t have my life together enough. I’m in between jobs, constantly screwing up my relationships, causing drama for myself and my mental health isn’t anything to boast about. Though to be fair, my last job was slowly killing me, people don’t put that much effort into their relationships with me either and I am really trying to get on top of my mental health. So at least I’m kind of making an effort right?

I’ve been sitting here listening to Agnes Obei’s September Song on repeat for the past fifteen minutes trying to come up with a way to describe myself that doesn’t come across in a way that I hate myself. I don’t hate myself, I spent too much of my life hating myself already. September Song is a really great piece of music. You know that scene in Girl, Interrupted when Susanna is in the bath and having an argument with Nurse Valerie? Valerie says while hovering over Susanna “You are a lazy, self-indulgent, little girl, who is making herself crazy.”? Well I’m scared that I’m Susanna. It’d be naïve to think I wasn’t at least a little like her. Who isn’t a little overly self-indulgent from time to time? I definitely can be quite narcissistic. Hello I dedicated a whole blog to talking about myself! I do create a lot of drama and stress for myself. I could be a lot more on top of my life but I am lazy and secretly enjoy the chaos.

I suffer from generalised anxiety disorder, which goes almost completely untreated aside from smoking pot. I’ve tried counselling, which was an utter waste of time. I know my past traumas and why I am the way I am. I don’t need to talk to a stranger about why that makes me feel more of a blue or red colour. I love Xanax. Not in a way that it helps my anxiety. More in the way that it’s really fun to mix with alcohol. Like really fun. That may be one of the contributing reasons as to why I do not have a prescription for Xanax. Oh yeah, did I mention that I can’t get a prescription for any anti-anxiety, anti-depressant pills or anything even remotely fun? I have been hospitalised after mixing Xanax with a bottle of gin. Probably a bit too much fun. I also have had to get my left forearms stitched up a fair few times. It’s almost as if my doctors think I’m some sort of risk. So pretty much I’m just white-knuckling my anxiety and trying my best to get through it. My anxiety makes me hyper aware to everything which is super annoying. Everything gets completely over analysed. I’m extremely sensitive to people’s body language and read too much into their words. It’s not a great deal of fun but I am coping and I do think I’m doing a lot better than I was over the summer.

I have pretty poor social skills though a lot of kids I grew up with agree that growing up in a small town attributed to this. I still live in my home town and I absolutely hate it. The population is only approximately 2000 people, most of which are over sixty-five. So I don’t really have a lot to socialise with anyway. Consequently I spend most of my time alone. Which I don’t mind. I’m quite introverted. Over the summer I did discover how important female friendships are. I haven’t really been able to make female friends as an adult but found a group of girls who I really mesh well with. They’re really supportive, strong individuals who I am happy to have help contribute to my life. I am very grateful for my little girl gang.

I think about the reason for my existence a lot. It’s probably one of the main themes I’ll write about here. I’m constantly plagued by thoughts about why I am here, why any of us are here, why is there something rather than nothing and other things that are completely out of my control. It’s probably due to a combination of being hyper aware and being so narcissistic.  I just wish I could turn these thoughts into something more productive. I guess this blog is kind of a right step in that direction. Because that’s what my life currently feels like it’s missing. A sense of direction, a reason for being alive.

Overall I am quite happy and content with my life right now. Sure there’s a whole lot of things that could be better. After some of the things I’ve been through and some of my horrendous coping mechanisms I am truly okay with myself right now. Tomorrow morning I could feel the complete opposite but I’ve been having more good days than bad recently and right now that’s enough.