I guess I’ll introduce myself a littler first? I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t start a paragraph with a question, but this is not a literacy or grammar blog. I don’t expect it to go down in history as one of the most creative pieces of writing this side of the 1900’s. I just wanted a place to physically put down my thoughts and reflect.
I’ve recently found myself in a weird limbo phase of my life. I’d say it’s a quarter life crisis but that sounds too cliché. I turned twenty one three months ago and so far I don’t think I’m handling it well, as I expected. I’d been dreading my birthday all summer leading up to it. Twenty one just seemed so old, so adult. I kind of feel like I’m still a teenager, thirty now seems a lot closer than thirteen. I don’t fear ageing or death. I’m still a long way off that. I just don’t think I’m ready to be twenty one. I don’t have my life together enough. I’m in between jobs, constantly screwing up my relationships, causing drama for myself and my mental health isn’t anything to boast about. Though to be fair, my last job was slowly killing me, people don’t put that much effort into their relationships with me either and I am really trying to get on top of my mental health. So at least I’m kind of making an effort right?
I’ve been sitting here listening to Agnes Obei’s September Song on repeat for the past fifteen minutes trying to come up with a way to describe myself that doesn’t come across in a way that I hate myself. I don’t hate myself, I spent too much of my life hating myself already. September Song is a really great piece of music. You know that scene in Girl, Interrupted when Susanna is in the bath and having an argument with Nurse Valerie? Valerie says while hovering over Susanna “You are a lazy, self-indulgent, little girl, who is making herself crazy.”? Well I’m scared that I’m Susanna. It’d be naïve to think I wasn’t at least a little like her. Who isn’t a little overly self-indulgent from time to time? I definitely can be quite narcissistic. Hello I dedicated a whole blog to talking about myself! I do create a lot of drama and stress for myself. I could be a lot more on top of my life but I am lazy and secretly enjoy the chaos.
I suffer from generalised anxiety disorder, which goes almost completely untreated aside from smoking pot. I’ve tried counselling, which was an utter waste of time. I know my past traumas and why I am the way I am. I don’t need to talk to a stranger about why that makes me feel more of a blue or red colour. I love Xanax. Not in a way that it helps my anxiety. More in the way that it’s really fun to mix with alcohol. Like really fun. That may be one of the contributing reasons as to why I do not have a prescription for Xanax. Oh yeah, did I mention that I can’t get a prescription for any anti-anxiety, anti-depressant pills or anything even remotely fun? I have been hospitalised after mixing Xanax with a bottle of gin. Probably a bit too much fun. I also have had to get my left forearms stitched up a fair few times. It’s almost as if my doctors think I’m some sort of risk. So pretty much I’m just white-knuckling my anxiety and trying my best to get through it. My anxiety makes me hyper aware to everything which is super annoying. Everything gets completely over analysed. I’m extremely sensitive to people’s body language and read too much into their words. It’s not a great deal of fun but I am coping and I do think I’m doing a lot better than I was over the summer.
I have pretty poor social skills though a lot of kids I grew up with agree that growing up in a small town attributed to this. I still live in my home town and I absolutely hate it. The population is only approximately 2000 people, most of which are over sixty-five. So I don’t really have a lot to socialise with anyway. Consequently I spend most of my time alone. Which I don’t mind. I’m quite introverted. Over the summer I did discover how important female friendships are. I haven’t really been able to make female friends as an adult but found a group of girls who I really mesh well with. They’re really supportive, strong individuals who I am happy to have help contribute to my life. I am very grateful for my little girl gang.
I think about the reason for my existence a lot. It’s probably one of the main themes I’ll write about here. I’m constantly plagued by thoughts about why I am here, why any of us are here, why is there something rather than nothing and other things that are completely out of my control. It’s probably due to a combination of being hyper aware and being so narcissistic. I just wish I could turn these thoughts into something more productive. I guess this blog is kind of a right step in that direction. Because that’s what my life currently feels like it’s missing. A sense of direction, a reason for being alive.
Overall I am quite happy and content with my life right now. Sure there’s a whole lot of things that could be better. After some of the things I’ve been through and some of my horrendous coping mechanisms I am truly okay with myself right now. Tomorrow morning I could feel the complete opposite but I’ve been having more good days than bad recently and right now that’s enough.