Being the Understudy

So I am currently trying to write a post about how much my irregular sleep pattern is frustrating me at the moment but I can’t. I’m too distracted by this one thought. So I’m just going to vent this thought that is plaguing my mind.

One of my closest friends is currently drunk texting me about a dilemma she is having over two guys. Long story short she’s at the pub and has two guys both wanting to take her home and can’t decide which one she likes more. I know what you’re thinking, Why not have both? Okay, maybe not everyone’s thinking that. That might just be me. Most people (I assume, or once again this could just be me) would be thinking kind of sounds like the opposite of a problem. I can’t even get one person to like me. I can’t even get one person to like me.

It should also be mentioned that I’ve already slept with one of them. A fact that she is very much aware of. She also knows that he is the only guy I’d ever consider having a relationship with. I’d never follow through on it, but I would consider it.

But all of that’s fine. That’s not what I’m distressed about. I just have this gross feeling about always being everybody’s second choice. I know I’m just having a low self-esteem moment but I can’t get the thought out of my head. I’m going through all the people I’ve been with in the past and how I was never their first choice, I was the fall back. I was the girl everyone got hung out with while they waited for someone better to come along with. I was the girl people would fuck while their partners were away. The girl you’d deny fucking more than once, if anyone ever asked. Not because there was anything wrong with me but because I just wasn’t someone you’d ever consider dating.

I guess I kind of deserve these feelings now. It’s my karma coming back to me. I did break up a lot of couples. So I do deserve some form of punishment. I did this to myself. I was in control of my own actions, I have no excuse for what I used to do. It was my own choice and I have to accept the repercussions. Though, I wasn’t the one who ever cheated on someone I was dating. I was just the mistress so surely I can’t be the only one getting punished.

It gets hard sometimes being alone. Especially when you know others aren’t. I struggle when people choose their partners over me because I just feel replaced and kind of used. One of my close friends invites me over almost every night that her boyfriend isn’t there. That makes me feel like she’s just using me as a stand in for the one she truly wants to be spending time with. Or maybe it’s just my anxiety making me doubt her motives?

I’m just worried that I’m never going to be anyone’s first choice. Which honestly, I’d kind of be okay with. I don’t really want to be with anyone. I’m very content on my own. I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Which is such a single-person thing to say and I’m a little embarrassed that I said it. But it’s true. At times I am okay with being someone’s second choice. I provide a service for them, an outlet they need. I don’t pride myself on having good morals but as long as I can make someone feel a little better for even just a moment, well then I think that makes me an okay person. It definitely doesn’t make me a bad person.

Most people must feel like this at some point, right? I know I’m just having a bad day and that tomorrow I could have all the confidence in the world. My anxiety is making me doubt my friendships and I’m just a little down on myself. I know my worth and that there is a possibility that one day I may just be someone’s first choice. It just seems like a slim chance at the moment.

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