Oh The Places You Won’t Go

I’ve been out of action these past few weeks due to a really bad depressive period which is only slightly getting better. Though as I typed that sentence tears began to well in my eyes and a lump the size of a small planet formed in my throat. But it’s okay I’m slowly becoming a master of swallowing my feelings. This isn’t the first time that I’ve felt a little glum, down, or blue. I’ve just never felt truly depressed the way I have recently. I’ve never been reduced to lying in bed all day because I physically can’t lift my heavy limbs out from under the covers. But at least it’s a new experience right? A try everything once kind of thing? I can pass it off like that right?

I think the hardest part is that I know exactly what is causing my depression but it is completely out of my power to do anything about it. As I’ve previously mentioned, I quit my job mid-February and now in May I am still unemployed with no prospect of anything mildly resembling a job appearing in my future. This is what’s killing me. In the past few months I must’ve sent out around 200 resumes. Not kidding. This ranges from directly emailing businesses, individual applications, job search sites and the old fashioned walk in and shove a resume in a potential boss’s hand. Still nothing has worked.

So when I broke down about it, what is the one thing people say to console me? “It’s not you it’s just that it’s so competitive for work these days.” That statement irks me so much, my teeth have started clenching just thinking about it. The thing is I’m not going for a high skill job. I’m a barmaid always have been always will be. Or so I thought. I have been pouring beers since I was thirteen and have done the necessary certificates, courses and qualifications needed to keep up to date in the industry. Obviously I don’t think I’m God’s gift to bartending but I do think that I’m at least hire-able. It’s just that there’s always someone better, which I get. There will always be someone better at what you do than you yourself. I can accept that. I can’t accept that I’m going for a low-skill, low-wage job and am still coming up short.

Why is this there this massive lack of jobs? And when is it supposed to be getting better? Because as far as I can see it’s only getting worse. I know of multiple people who have recently graduated and can’t get a job in their desired field and guess what they’re still doing for work? Yep, waiting tables. So what does that do to people like me? That leaves us lower class people who cannot afford to go to university or to not be consistently working thirty hour weeks due to study pushed out of our industries. I’m not blaming these university students for my unemployment. I’m sure they’re just as disheartened at not being able to get a job in their own field too. With the old age pension going up and people being forced to work until a later age in life than in previous decades does this mean fewer jobs are opening up for young people? What I’m trying to figure out is where does this leave me? If we are all getting pushed down lower on the employment chain does that mean that the elusive category of being homeless could become a possibility for someone like me?

I’m just so sick of trying. It’s very hard to be constantly rejected and told you were good but not good enough. I wish I was receiving more constructive feedback because at least then I’d have something I’d be able to work on. Or that there was some prospect of the job market improving. As far as I can see, the only thing I can see happening in the future is the gap between low and high class getting stretched even further apart. It constantly feels like the system is rigged this way. That the rich keep getting richer and the poor just keep getting pushed down.

When discussing this with my sister as we pooled our ten and twenty cent pieces together to go buy a loaf of bread, she said that she constantly felt this weight of stress on her shoulders. University loans, car payments, rent, food, electricity. All of that stress constantly pushing her down as if there physically was some rich politician constantly stomping her back down into the poor category she is trying so hard to break out from. I wish it was more American History X style. Just gutter stomp me and put me out of my misery.

I feel like there’s no point in trying as the systems so clearly rigged. It is unrealistic to dream of being financially stable let alone rich. So what’s the point in trying? Why get up every day just to struggle? And I know this all sounds so whiny and that I need to suck it up because life’s not fair. Life’s not fair. But how many games do you continue to play once you realise they aren’t fair. If you find out the games rigged don’t you normally quit playing the game?

All of this plays heavily in my mind constantly. It’s become all I can think about. The only thing that accompanies it is this constant ringing in my ears. Which I also don’t enjoy. I wish I could get myself out of this funk but I can’t see why I should bother. Why get out of bed every day to struggle and hate life whilst pretending to be happy? How does everyone else do it?

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3 thoughts on “Oh The Places You Won’t Go

  1. I do it by trying to focus on the lighter things. The weight, the heaviness of depression is what keeps us in bed. So before I go to sleep I focus on what I can look forward to waking up to, like for you, your relationship with your sister. Or this writing space. And when I wake up if the weight of my problems attempts to overtake me, I immediately shift my focus to something else. It takes time and work. Meditation helps. Take this time that you are unemployed and focus on YOUR emotional/mental well being. You’ll focus better and be a better therapist when you get back behind that bar:) Because yall are just underpaid therapists;) I wish you all the best!

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